Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
