My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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