He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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