1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
