How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
