WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just had sex on a roof
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