i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
