I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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