so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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