maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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