You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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