Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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