Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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