i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
