i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
ok first of all what the fuck
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
