This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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