I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
