I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize