So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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