Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
