Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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