he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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