Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
