You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
