When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
