just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
