man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
