Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
