I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
