he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
