i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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