I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You are the jesus of drinking
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
