I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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