gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
