the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
