We won't sleep together?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
