When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
