When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
