if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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