Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
