I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
