My liver just broke up with me...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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