I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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