if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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