Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize