guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
