Will you blow on my dice?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
