I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
