I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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