She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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