I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
