My friends, they love my intelligence
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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