I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
