I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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