too bad you live with your parents still
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
