The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
