Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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