Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Blood and glitter go together right?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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